June 19, 2018.
My plan for today was to leave the office after eight hours, come home, take my notebook and pen to the lake, sit under a tree and draft an upcoming chapter by hand. I’d wait out the heat of the afternoon by the breezy lake and then saunter home feeling all summery and literary.
Instead I worked ten hours at the office, came home, and got sucked straight into the apartment vortex. I was crawling around with a flashlight, sweating under my boobs and where my glasses sit on my cheeks, looking for moth larvae and wiping things with vinegar. I did two loads of laundry as a nervous tic. I only paused to look at twitter and cry about what’s happening at the border. I utterly failed to relax.
But there was some grace, tired on my feet, folding laundry and washing dishes and thinking of my mom. The way the air cooled down outside as it got dark and the coolness started to come in through all the open windows. Lucinda Williams being interviewed on the radio. My peonies opened out since yesterday.
With my house so clean, I think — maybe I could have been a nice mom after all. I think, it’s a real thing to miss out on, and I honor that, and I’m grateful.
Lil is a writer and editor in Seattle. Her writing on comics, books, and life has appeared in Paste Magazine, STACKEDD, Newsarama, Panel Patter, The Wind-Up Books Chronicle, Mining Transport, the only way out is through (TOWOIT), and The Naive Review. She's also started posting some essays more cleanly at Medium, now that she's cluttered up her Wordpress blog with angry bulleted lists, White House briefing transcripts, and so many screenshots of tweets. Twitter is @lilwould.